Remember the first time you studied something new, perhaps a college course, maybe you took an adult ed. course or began attending graduate school? The first few classes may have been very confusing. There were new terms and phrases that were to direct your efforts but you couldn’t understand a thing. Perhaps you had questions but didn’t even have the language to articulate them. Remember how frustrating that was?
Have you ever had something to say but didn’t know how to say it? Or worse yet, when you did speak you were told, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” with such emphasis and authority that you walked away confused, maybe angry, scratching your head and thinking, “well, maybe they’re right.”
Many people have had this experience. One woman said she learned not to enter into “discussions” that were led from the bully pulpit of her childhood kitchen table, unless she could provide quotes and footnotes to back up her statements. Opinions were not accepted unless there were substantial facts to back them up.
She learned to accept others’ opinions about her until she ultimately accepted them as facts. The final straw came when she was told by her beloved, “you have no taste in art.” She believed it. The fact was this was only an opinion. As it turned out he liked Turner, she liked Monet. The point was, she had no voice to speak her truth.
It took years before she realized: 1) she did have a voice that she could use, 2) she did know what she was talking about, 3) she had opinions that were as valid as anyone else’s.
How did she get there? It took time, support and practice.
First, she began writing in a journal. Having discovered that the pressure of debate was something unappealing, journaling became a way to script what she knew were her truths.
Next, she found individuals whom she could trust to listen to her with acceptance that what she was saying was true for her. They provided validation and acknowledgment that she was smart and thoughtful, with valuable insights and opinions.
Finally, she “took the show on the road,” speaking, often slowly, often quietly to new faces, always watching for their reactions or negative responses. Most often she only noticed heads nodding in affirmation.
The outcome of all this was so much more than expected. She recognized her own intellect and owned it with pride but not pridefully. As she began believing in herself her confidence soared and so did her self-esteem.
Life is and always has been a journey. It’s about the lessons we get along the way and what we do with them.
Find compassionate listening ears who accept your truth and acknowledge your experiences. Practice on them until you don’t need to practice anymore. Then you will have found your voice.